My Name is Maisie, and I Have No Confidence…

22 Aug

So, this is a bit of a feel sorry for myself post, but I thought, I share everything with you, why not this? I’m a bit nervous to post this, as it’s getting quite deep and personal, but then, I might help someone else who feels exactly the same to me, and we can help each other, because I sort of want to lift a weight off my shoulder. So here goes.

I come across a pretty confident person, I’m chatty and love people generally, but deep down I have no confidence. I guess it’s come from being knocked down a lot, how I’m such a perfectionist and I over think everything. I used to always like being the centre of attention, I used to talk to everyone, I liked to be liked by everyone, I would dance and compete and know that I was good, head held high, smile on my face. My smile hasn’t gone most of the time, just my confidence seemed to drop, because I began to realise that I wasn’t the best, not even half.

Screen Shot 2013-07-10 at 18_06_19

A year ago my confidence took a blow, big time, because I began to have panic attacks, which started in a French lesson, a lot of people didn’t know what was happening and neither did I! I hate confrontation and failing at something, and both of those things happened. I couldn’t breath, my throat felt like it was closing up, my heart was beating fast, I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me, I got sweaty and wanted to break down in tears. I knew it wasn’t nerves, because I don’t just cry when I’m nervous, but I had experienced this before. I thought I was weak because I cried in front of everyone, everyone saw me break down because I got something wrong and that was weird but I knew I couldn’t help it. Of course my French teacher isn’t completely heartless, and gave me a tissue and luckily I had one of my best friends there to take me out and help me compose myself. I was so low for a while because of what happened and my biggest fear became French, which sounds stupid if you you’ve never experienced this. Some people used to mention me crying and make fun and I’d just want to cry and be invisible, I knew they wouldn’t understand because I didn’t even understand myself. Since then I have had other panic attacks, one recently actually but now I understand because of Zoella’s YouTube video and for her I am forever grateful, and my closest friends do and also my teacher, so I guess things have improved in that way.

184436547211615187_yTRxRFxC_c

Even though I understand my panic attacks, they still are there, and my confidence is no where near it used to be, before French. I have highs and lows in my confidence, at the moment it’s pretty low, due to things that are going on in my life, and I wanted to write this for people who might feel alone, like I used to, because I know, you feel like you’re the weird one. Dance has helped me a lot, I used to dance with no confidence, and my eyes down but my teacher has helped me so much, and I do well and that has helped build my confidence a crazy amount. Dance is my life, because dance makes me happy, I know I’ll never be good enough to be a dancer, but I never try to be better than anyone, just to be better than myself.

102879172708067208_VBkYQ8sn_f

I’ve never been a typical teenager which in a way effected my confidence, I’ve not had a real boyfriend or goes to parties or enjoys sleep overs, because I haven’t had the confidence. I would love that stuff, so much, because I sort of feel I’m still the weirdo because I haven’t had a boyfriend or anything near.

113786328055042819_VSL8dwQ3_c

This blog has build my confidence so much, words can not describe how happy I feel when you like one of my blog posts or you follow my blog, I feel so special because people like my writing. Even though I will probably never meet you in real life, I just want to let you all know how much you have helped me, be the person I want to be. You have no idea what you all mean to me and this blog too.

188729040604369712_CzA42Rfs_c

But yesterday, I told myself I am having a fresh start, a new me. My confidence isn’t going to come back in real life, maybe as I confident as I feel on here but it will. The only way I can become confident, is to be confident. Forget having a boyfriend, or getting 1000000 followers on my blog. Shoulders back, head high because you never know what might happen.

21

If you are reading this. Thank you. Thank you for letting me share my story with you and lifting this dark shadow I’ve had for a long time. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please e-mail me. I know how important it is to be heard and if this post helps 1 of you, I will be happy.

Thank you x

66c22724b809aa27549984ca877e9c9c

Advertisements

12 Responses to “My Name is Maisie, and I Have No Confidence…”

  1. natalieslovelyblog August 22, 2013 at 7:23 pm #

    I also have anxiety and this article was such an amazing explanation of what its like. Thank you so much for posting it and I also am so happy I found another teenage fashion blogger like myself xx can’t wait for more posts ❤

    • highstreetspy August 22, 2013 at 7:25 pm #

      Thank you so much, it really means a lot, and I don’t know anyone who I can relate to, I’ve always been an outsider. It wasn’t easy to put it into words but I’m glad I did. Thank you so so much again and don’t hesitate to e-mail me if you ever ever need me ❤

      • natalieslovelyblog August 22, 2013 at 7:32 pm #

        Alright thank you I can definitely relate to being the outsider … I will be sure to email you if anything comes up and also here is mine in case you ever wanna talk natalieslovelyblog1@gmail.com xx P.S. I take French as well and its actually my best subject so if you ever have a question I would be more than happy to help. Blogging friends?

      • highstreetspy August 22, 2013 at 7:35 pm #

        Blogging friends forever ❤ And seriously, I could really really do with some French help, it means a lot, I'll drop you an e-mail xxx

      • natalieslovelyblog August 22, 2013 at 8:55 pm #

        Awesome ❤ Anything to help out a friend, no matter how new 🙂

  2. pearlsandparis August 22, 2013 at 7:25 pm #

    great post! Your teenage years are for trail and error – just be you, as best as you can. It can be pretty tough to just be yourself but your real friends will accept you for just that and others who don’t… screw em. Sometimes it’s better to have an attitude like that because you will see as the years go on you will never be able to please everyone. Panic attacks and anxiety are scary especially when you don’t when they are going to happen but keep dancing and don’t let them take over ‘living’

    • highstreetspy August 22, 2013 at 7:31 pm #

      Thank you very much for reading this and thank you for being part of my big blogging family! You all mean so much to me and I agree ❤ xxx

  3. PolishAndPerfection August 23, 2013 at 12:29 pm #

    keep smiling! it gets better 🙂

    • highstreetspy August 23, 2013 at 12:30 pm #

      Thank you so much for your support, it means so much to me xxx

  4. Kavi October 27, 2013 at 6:56 pm #

    Wow, ok, we are literally identical. I had a panic attack about a really stupid thing and I couldn’t breathe and had to cover myself completely. I also couldn’t breathe and fainted and had to be taken out on a wheel chair after going on a run. There is no real reason for this, but I find that dancing, drama and beauty helps me get away from it all. Great post by the way!xx

    • High Street Spy October 28, 2013 at 5:11 pm #

      Thanks so much lovely. Twinnies forever ❤ xxx

      • Kavi October 28, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

        #twinsforlife 😉 xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: